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A Blue-Ribbon Panel Weighs In on Students' Body Mass Index

Posted: 2004-06-26

Big Macs and Oreos aren't the problem; education is the problem.

In an eagerly-awaited report from leading scientists representing global leaders in branded foods and beverages and Vending Machines International (BFBVMI), the blue-ribbon experts declare, "Big Macs and Oreos aren't the problem; education is the problem." The blue-ribbon report on the expanding problem of children's weight is a results of gold star research, conducted by science-based analysis of Fortune 500 annual reports.

The President's weight czar, Roderick Rumblefish, praised the report as groundbreaking. "These loyal Americans know how to do science-based research," he said.

Rumblefish, a leading player at the National Institute of the Food Pyramid (NIFP), has authored, co-authored and edited over 100 journal articles, books, and book chapters addressing children's body mass index. He is currently responsible for translating state-of-the-art NIFP scientific discoveries relevant to this critical issue threatening America's place in the global economy to the White House, the United States Congress, and to other governmental agencies. He also serves as unique and valued advisor to President George W. Bush on issues related to children and body mass index.

Rumblefish notes that the toughest challenge loyal Americans face in this crisis is moving the research-based science to the preparation and practice of teachers, so that what they do in classrooms is actually objective and is based upon converging evidence rather than philosophies, belief systems, or appeals to authority.

"When you use science-based research, a youngster who was floundering at the 90th percentile body mass will move proudly and efficiently to the 50th percentile. But despite this scientifically-proven fact, you still see substantial resistance from the educational community."

Here is a summary of policies the blue-ribbon report from corporate giants advise schools to adopt immediately:

  • Establish weigh-in standards. Weigh fatties daily. No excuses.

  • Hold schoolwide weigh-in assemblies, rewarding children who make their goals. Ice cream or pizza celebrations are not advisable.

  • Celebrate principals who kiss pigs, sit on the school roof, or shave their heads to rally student enthusiasm for weight loss.

  • Issue report cards on students' body mass index. The public needs to know who has got fat under control and who doesn't.

  • Provide special training for students who don't meet government standards. Extra P. E. classes can replace reading and math for these future workers in the global economy.

  • Set up summer Fat Camps for chubbies and fatties.

  • Retain third graders who don't meet federal fat standards until they shape up.

  • Make optimum body mass index a qualification for high school graduation. To be competitive in the global economy, America needs workers who are in shape.

  • Provide transfer options for parents whose children attend schools with a high fat index. Bus children to schools with skinnier kids.

  • Employ only the fit! The body mass index must become part of every employee's application for contract renewal if our school are to reach World Class Fitness for the Twenty-First Century. Only the fit are fit to teach.

  • Offer sign-up bonuses to career-change professionals from the fitness industry who decide to try teaching.

  • Keep the public informed on the body mass index of all personnel in all schools. Local media and real estate agents can be enlisted to publicize results.

  • Institute sanctions against schools that don't meet their body-mass index for two years. Kraft Foods, which has just formed an alliance with the South Beach diet impresario, can take over underperforming schools.

  • And if you think that last one is invented, take a look:


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