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Homeland Security Threat Advisory Teacher Rating System: 1043 U. S. Individual Teacher Return 2005

Publication Date: 2005-04-15

Here is your Individual Teacher Return. Fill it out now and file it now. This piece appeared in Substance, April 2005, where Ohanian's byline appears monthly. Subscribe. $16 for ten issues. It's a bargain.

Print(1), using a #2 pencil.

Last _______________
First _______________
Middle ____________
Alias _______________

? M
? F
? Other
? Not Lately

? Street
? Apartment #
? City
? State
? Zip

? in the flowerpot

? in the mailbox

? under the mat

? at the bottom of the 12? Copper Gazing Globe (2)

Filing status:

? Underachiever

? Overachiever

? Mainstreamed

? Up the creek


Career rung:(3)

? Highly Qualified

? Highly Strung

? Knee High to a Grasshopper

? High on the Hog

? High Flyer

? High

Moving Violations:(4)(5)

? Before School Test Prep

? During School Test Prep

? Lunch Duty Test Prep

? After School Test Prep

? Homework Test Prep


? Guided practice

Total coached: ___Won ___Lost ___Tied

? Rug and Rocking Chair Declarations(6)

Witness signature__________________________

? Losses
o Picture money
o Book Clubs

Professionalism, Pedagogy, and Other Poop Declarations
? Which of these most closely resembles your teaching philosophy?
o Keep the pedal to the metal

o If first they don?t succeed, test them more often.

o All work and no play makes Jack the perfect corporate drone.

o A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

o Don?t try to teach your grandmother to suck eggs.

o The road to hell is paved by the same opportunists who wrote NCLB.

o Never eat at a place called Mom?s. Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never trust your class to a Standardisto who has a plan that works for all students.

o A hug is worth a thousand mission statements.

o Governments lie.

o You can?t write no music for a fife. You can?t print it. You got to do it. (7)

? How often do you DIBELS in public? (8) (9) ____________

? Bully Declaration: Who bullies you? Choose as many as apply.
o School board

o State Department of Education

o U. S. Department of Education

o Business Roundtable

o Other (please specify in 10,000 words or less) (10)

? Locate your principal?s position on the School Security Advisory System for Controlling the School Borders: (11)

o CHAOS (scarlet)

o PANIC (magenta)

o PARANOIA (violet)

o APATHY (burnt sienna)

o DESPAIR (mahogany)

o EXUBERANCE (canary yellow)

o MANIA (orange)

? Favorite Cafeteria Choice

o Mad cow burger

o Mercury-laden tuna

o Salmonella-striped eggs

o Pentecostal tongue

o Freedom fries

? Professional Development Contribution Checkoff

o Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings Public Television Oversight Fund

o Business Roundtable Sunshine Fund

o Education Commission of the States whoopee cushion

o National Alliance to Provide Safe Haven for Third Graders

o Teacher Witness Protection Program (12)

?Do you think teaching is a profession? (13)

o Yes

o No

o Maybe

o Only on Wednesdays

? Why did the chicken cross the road? (14)

o And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

o To live successfully in the global economy of the 21st century information age, the chicken was faced with significant challenges to develop and demonstrate the competencies required for the newly competitive market.

o Perdue lobbyists pressured Congress to pass a federal mandate requiring all chickens to demonstrate road crossing proficiency.

o The chicken's native habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked corporate greed, breaking the Kyoto Accord, which the U. S. refuses to sign.

o Focusing on the chicken crossing reveals an unwillingness to face the challenges posed by our racist, bigoted, sexist society.

o To get away from DIBELS.

? For $1.12, you may order any of the following bumperstickers

o I Brake for Congressional Representatives, Drunk or Sober

o My Child is an Honor DIBLER

o Governments lie.

o Stand up. Fight back.

o Test Resistance Starts Here! (15)

Zero Tolerance Declaration. Check all that apply.
I duly swear, affirm, and genuflect before Zero Tolerance for:

? Business as usual

? Monkey Business

? Business Roundtable

_________________________ witness(16)

Secretary of Education William Bennett Sweepstakes: Enter your lucky 29-digit number here:________________ Your name will be automatically entered in the William Bennett Sweepstakes.

Data Warehousing Truth in Lending(17) Declaration: From time to time the U. S. government will choose to share your personal information with campaign contributors who have a need to know, and there?s nothing you can do about it.

Please sign here__________________ Custodian?s signature____________
(use cursive)

(1) No cursive.

(2) $92.00 at OutdoorDecor.com

(3) Please attach Copy B of your lesson plans, bulletin board objectives, class picture. If you don?t have Copy B, why not?

(4) Attach Form 4216

(5) Anyone declaring Recess Duty will be subject to an internal investigation from the U. S. Department of Education-Business Roundtable Joint Commission on Making Sure Kids Don?t Slack Off.

(6) New York City bonus deduction

(7) We don?t make stuff up here. Othar Turner said this in The New York Times, 11/08/01, and they print only the news that?s fit to print.

(8) Information requested by Preventive Health Services Administration, Bureau of Epidemiology and Disease Control.

(9) DIBELS Safe Network protects your most valuable assets. Does a registered DIBELS offender live next door? For $19.95 get access to information on access to information on more than 63,000 persons required to register in California as DIBELS offenders.

(10) RESPOND Responding to incidents and vulnerabilities ensures a secure network infrastructure for the short term. Without immediate response, vulnerabilities and attack methods can spread. Contact your U. S. Emergency Readiness Team.

(11) For more information, see www.crayola.com

(12) Subject to the Teacher Witness Protection Act, the Commissioner may determine whether a witness should be admitted to the Program and the type of protection to be provided to any protectee in the Program, subsequent to the approval of the Broad Foundation Leadership Team, Education Trust Board of Directors, and Bill Gates.

(13) Information requested by the Department of Agriculture.

(14) For FREE notification whenever this Why did the chicken cross the road? question is updated, please enter your full Internet e-mail address here:______________

(15) http://www.susanohanian.org

(16) Have declaration witnessed, attested, affirmed, certified, and vouched for by a member of the Cour internationale de Justice.

(17) Title 15, Chapter 41, subchapter 1, part E

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