Homeland Security Threat Advisory Teacher Rating System: 1043 U. S. Individual Teacher Return 2005
Publication Date: 2005-04-15
Here is your Individual Teacher Return. Fill it out now and file it now. This piece appeared in Substance, April 2005, where Ohanian's byline appears monthly. Subscribe. $16 for ten issues. It's a bargain.
? Rug and Rocking Chair Declarations(6)
o Picture money
Professionalism, Pedagogy, and Other Poop Declarations
? Which of these most closely resembles your teaching philosophy?
o Keep the pedal to the metal
? How often do you DIBELS in public? (8) (9) ____________
? Bully Declaration: Who bullies you? Choose as many as apply.
o School board
? Locate your principal?s position on the School Security Advisory System for Controlling the School Borders: (11)
? Favorite Cafeteria Choice
? Professional Development Contribution Checkoff
?Do you think teaching is a profession? (13)
? Why did the chicken cross the road? (14)
? For $1.12, you may order any of the following bumperstickers
Zero Tolerance Declaration. Check all that apply.
I duly swear, affirm, and genuflect before Zero Tolerance for:
? Business as usual
? Monkey Business
? Business Roundtable
Secretary of Education William Bennett Sweepstakes: Enter your lucky 29-digit number here:________________ Your name will be automatically entered in the William Bennett Sweepstakes.
Data Warehousing Truth in Lending(17) Declaration: From time to time the U. S. government will choose to share your personal information with campaign contributors who have a need to know, and there?s nothing you can do about it.
Please sign here__________________ Custodian?s signature____________
(1) No cursive.
(2) $92.00 at OutdoorDecor.com
(3) Please attach Copy B of your lesson plans, bulletin board objectives, class picture. If you don?t have Copy B, why not?
(4) Attach Form 4216
(5) Anyone declaring Recess Duty will be subject to an internal investigation from the U. S. Department of Education-Business Roundtable Joint Commission on Making Sure Kids Don?t Slack Off.
(6) New York City bonus deduction
(7) We don?t make stuff up here. Othar Turner said this in The New York Times, 11/08/01, and they print only the news that?s fit to print.
(8) Information requested by Preventive Health Services Administration, Bureau of Epidemiology and Disease Control.
(9) DIBELS Safe Network protects your most valuable assets. Does a registered DIBELS offender live next door? For $19.95 get access to information on access to information on more than 63,000 persons required to register in California as DIBELS offenders.
(10) RESPOND Responding to incidents and vulnerabilities ensures a secure network infrastructure for the short term. Without immediate response, vulnerabilities and attack methods can spread. Contact your U. S. Emergency Readiness Team.
(11) For more information, see www.crayola.com
(12) Subject to the Teacher Witness Protection Act, the Commissioner may determine whether a witness should be admitted to the Program and the type of protection to be provided to any protectee in the Program, subsequent to the approval of the Broad Foundation Leadership Team, Education Trust Board of Directors, and Bill Gates.
(13) Information requested by the Department of Agriculture.
(14) For FREE notification whenever this Why did the chicken cross the road? question is updated, please enter your full Internet e-mail address here:______________
(16) Have declaration witnessed, attested, affirmed, certified, and vouched for by a member of the Cour internationale de Justice.
(17) Title 15, Chapter 41, subchapter 1, part E
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