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Fear and Loathing ... and Preschool

Publication Date: 2009-12-09

According to this scenario, Citigroup holds trademark on Toddlers, offering a full range of financial and playground advice for parents as they navigate the complex world of childhood asset management.

'A former star telecommunications analyst told a friend that his boss, Sanford I. Weill, the chairman of Citigroup, helped secure spots in an exclusive Manhattan nursery school for his twin[s] after he began recommending AT&T stock.'
-- The New York Times, Nov. 14, 2002

From: Sanford I. Weill, Citigroup Chairman
To: All Employees
Re: New Customer Service

In today's challenging market environment, no parent should make crucial nursery-school decisions without proper guidance. Indeed, many analysts now realize that an investment in high-yielding preschoolers can provide significant protection from fluctuations in other market sectors. It's not just finger paint and naps anymore - it's social status.

That's why Citigroup is excited to announce TODDLERS? , an exclusive service from the Smith Barney division. (Note to Marketing: Consider dropping "Smith" to leverage "Barney" name-recognition among the sandbox crowd.) Backed by the strength of our research and trust departments, TODDLERS? will offer a full range of financial and playground advice for parents as they navigate the complex world of childhood asset management.

Young families with a net worth of $1.5 million or more who seek admission to nursery school for their current or future children will be able to choose from a range of valuable services. . . .

NOTE: The Christian Science Monitor does not allow posting of full articles, so for the rest of this farce, go here.

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