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NCLB Outrages

U. S. Department of Education Bans People from Schools

NOTE: The idea for this piece is lifted from The Borowitz Report: FAA Bans People From Flights.

'Zero Tolerance for People,' Says Margaret Spellings

When NCLB wipes out all public schools, then no public schools will be in need of improvement. We could speed up the process by banning all children from public schools, effective immediately.

Likewise, if all teachers are banned from public schools, then no public schools will have teachers that aren't highly qualified. The U. S. Department of Education has already taken the step of eliminating teacher developed materials and stray remarks that aren't in the script in reading lessons: First eliminate teacher ideas, then eliminate teachers.

"We looked at failing schools of the past, and in each and every case, children and teachers were involved," said U. S. Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings at a Washington press briefing. "These new rules send the strong message that the White House has zero tolerance for children and teachers."

Spellings said that while shutting down individual schools was a constructive step, the only true solution was to ban children and teachers altogether.

"Let's face it, standardized tests don't fail children," she said. "Children fail standardized tests."

Scholars at the University of Oregon agree with Secretary Margaret Spellings. The U. S. Departent of Education's crackdown on children and teachers could be a "win-win" for the public schools: "Maybe if the public schools don't have people to worry about, the Business Roundtable can finally concentrate on boosting profit margins."

Wendy Kopff, founder and president of Teach for America, is enthusiastic about the idea. "We'll turn our attention to helping Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff search out hair gel at KIPP schools."

— Susan Ohanian, with thanks to Andy Borowitz



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