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NCLB Outrages

‘No President Left Behind’ test a doozy

Ohanian Comment: The author is a humorist but like many good humorists, he offers up quite a bit of truth. For starters, he proposes the No President Left Behind Act, the No Congress Person Left Behind Act, the No Judge Left Behind Act and, most important, the No Voter Left Behind Act. He starts with a few questions for the President.

by Charles Memminger

Adults like to impose things on kids that supposedly will make them better human beings but things they'd never impose on themselves, like the No Child Left Behind Act.

The No Child Left Behind Act is a program to make sure kids are prepared to succeed in life. This is accomplished by making millions of otherwise happy kids unhappy by forcing them to take long, hairy tests. I say, if it's a good idea for kids, then it must be a good idea for everyone else. That's why I propose the No President Left Behind Act, the No Congress Person Left Behind Act, the No Judge Left Behind Act and, most important, the No Voter Left Behind Act.

These acts will make sure that presidents, congresspersons, judges and voters are all capable of fulfilling their duties as public servants and citizens of a great republic. And, of course, judges, politicians, presidents and voters will all have to pass long, hairy tests before they will be allowed to serve or vote. This will cause a lot of whining by those forced to take the tests, which should be fun to watch.

Since we don't have time to lay out the tests for all of the different disciplines, today will we simply focus on the No President Left Behind Act. We like to think that anyone in America can grow up to become president, but in reality we know that's a crock. About half the presidents of the United States couldn't have held down a job as a midlevel manager in a sausage-producing plant. (See James "What Civil War?" Buchanan.)

We need the best and brightest as our presidents, and so anyone wanting the job should have no problem passing a long, hairy No President Left Behind Act test.

Here are a few questions that should be on that test:

» The buck stops (A. There B. Everywhere C. New Jersey D. Here).

» The capital of East Dakota is (A. Perrier B. Podunk C. Sink the Bismarck D. East Dakota is probably not a state).

» The American people have the attention span of a (A. hamster B. gerbil C. the guy who won all that money on "Jeopardy!" D. What was the question?).

» The cover-up is worse than the (A. indictment B. impeachment hearings continental breakfast C. no comment D. stupid thing you did in the first place).

» The meaning of "is" is (A. what? B. who? C. On advice of counsel I respectfully decline to answer the question D. Please use it in a sentence).

» A sitting president is allowed to touch an intern in (A. the sacroiliac B. the Oval Office C. the abstract D. a divorce lawyer's dream).

» If an Amtrak train leaves Boston going west at 8 a.m., and a bus leaves Perrier, East Dakota, at 9 a.m. going south at 143 miles per hour, they will collide at precisely (A. Yo' momma B. Amtrak would be late C. Word problems suck D. 4:52 a.m. Greenwich Village time).

» A national budget of 832 trillion bucks stops (A. There B. After I'm outta office C. in Congress's lap D. Wherever it wants).

» The group of officers who oversee the U.S. military are referred to as (A. the Chief Staff of Joints B. the Staff of Chief Joints C. the Dudes in the Gay Clothes D. the Joint Chiefs of Staff).

» The country of Iran used to be known as (A. Looney Tunes Land B. Hotsville C. Gen. Pershing D. Persia).

» Which of the following is NOT a country (A. Xanadu B. Xanax C. Xenophobistan D. Grenada).

» Some say Gree-nayda, some say (A. Grey-natta B. Gruh-nudda C. Grew-nutty D. Gree-nootsky).

» Napoleon was defeated at (A. Waterworld B. Watership Down C. Perrier, East Dakota D. Waterloo).

» Pluto is a (A. planet B. cartoon dog C. yo' momma D. highly overrated dwarflike space object).

» The cost of a gallon of milk is (A. $324 B. It comes in gallons? C. 12.3 Argentine piastas D. whatever the Organization of Milk-Producing Countries says it is).

» Genghis Khan is (A. an evil guy in a "Star Trek" movie B. not pronounced the sissy way John Kerry pronounces it with a soft "g" C. U.S. secretary of health and human services D. a dead warlord with a great PR machine).

» A president should treat a microphone like (A. a baby treats a diaper B. your friend C. a holy water dispenser D. it is always on).

» President Wilson really screwed up (A. the Treaty of Versailles B. capturing Pancho Villa C. world peace D. all of the above).

» Presidents should never order a secret attack on any Cuban bay named after (A. hamsters B. gerbils C. pigs D. all of the above).

» We fought the War of 1812 because (A. President Madison was an idiot B. why wait till 1813? C. weapons of mass destruction D. the British were cruisin' for a bruisin').

» The word "nuclear" is pronounced (A. NOOKY-lair B. NOOK-ya-lur C. NYUCK, nyuck, nyuck D. NYOOK-li-uhr).

— Charles Memminger
Honolulu Star Bulletin


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