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NCLB Outrages

No Patient, Depositor, or Client Left Behind!

by Guy Brandenburg

I have another modest proposal.

You realize that in 3 years, under No Child Left Behind, every single student in every single sub-category in every single public school in America must be "proficient" in both math and reading, or else their schools will be labeled as "failing", with the faculty and staff getting the axe, and the school being turned over to private entrepreneurs, who will do no better.

So my proposal is that we do the same sort of 100% proficiency test to every other area of American life.

For example: there are entirely too many cancer patients and patients suffering from other diseases who don't get better, but, in fact, die while under the care of their doctors and hospitals. This is unconscionable. Why, many other nations spend much less per capita on health care, and their citizens live considerably longer than Americans.

Since this obviously means that doctors are sitting around doing crossword puzzles while their patients are hemorraging to death, and it̢۪s almost impossible to fire board-certified doctors and nurses, then we need to have a No Patient Left Behind Act. The measurement is simple. We measure the total number of patients and the total number of patient deaths; the ratio of deaths to patients must fall every two years in an publicly measurable manner; and statistics will be published for every single doctor, nurse, pharmacist, or hospital that accepts federal money . After 12 years, the number of patient deaths should fall to zero. Just as with the public schools, if there are ANY patients who are seen, operated on, prescribed a medication, or otherwise come in contact with any medical professional who die within 60 days of said interaction, then that hospital or medical professional is a FAILURE and needs to be replaced with someone with alternative qualifications.

Similarly, with lawyers. Way too many clients suffer irreparable losses because they are found guilty in court or lose the lawsuits in which they are either the plaintiff or the defendant. This is inexcusable. There are plenty of other nations that have way fewer lawyers per 10,000 population, and their people are much happier. So, we need to pass a No Client Left Behind Act. Every single client who comes in contact with an attorney who is registered with his or her State bar will have his or her outcome measured. If the client was successful in his/her lawsuit, or was acquitted by a jury or judge, or had all charges thrown out by the court, then that counts as a success. Otherwise, it's a failure on the part of the lazy, incompetent, Bar Association-protected sleazy lawyer, who is purposely trying to screw his or her client at the expense of the public. (I bet those public defenders are the very worst! Just think! They are given many MINUTES -- sometimes even HOURS -- to prepare the defense of their indigent clients, and they STILL lose most of the time.) Plea-bargains count as losses. In the first year, any lawyer whose win/loss record is less than 60% will face having his/her name published in the local newspaper. Eventually, any attorney whose record is anything less than 100% will be disbarred, fired, and replacement by a student intern.

Let's not forget the police and the judges. In this country, there are way too many crimes that are not solved. We need a No Crime Left Behind Act. You've probably guessed the eventual outcome: in about a decade, if there are ANY unsolved felonies OR misdemeanors in a state, county or city, then the entire police force and judicial corps (including judges, bailiffs, sherriffs and so on) will be fired and replaced with someone who isn't tainted by actually having some sort of legal certification.

Oh, what about politicians? Many members of the public complain that the politicians that they elect either abandon their campaign promises, don̢۪t return constituents' phone calls, don̢۪t satisfy every single constituent complaint, and are unable to get legislation passed that they introduced.The No Constituent Left Behind Act would produce measurable data that accounts for all of those categories, and in about a decade, if there is a single broken campaign promise, a single nonreturned constituent phone call, a single non-fixed ticket, or a single piece of legislation that isn̢۪t passed, then the politician will be immediately turned out of office and replaced by -- umm -- not sure whom.

And how about investors and folks with stock market shares, or deposits in banks, savings accounts, and so on? These days, their rates of return are unconscionably low, maybe only 2 to 5 percent! This is inexcusable! The No Depositor Left Behind Act will measure the annual rate of return for each and every single depositor whose deposit is insured by the FDIC or whose bank or credit union has been bailed out by TARP, or whose corporation gets tax benefits from the IRS. For the first two years, the annual rate of return needs to be at least 10%. After 2 more years, this rises to 20%. Finally, after a decade, the annual rate of return needs to be 100% for each and every single depositor, or else the corporation, S&L, or bank will be taken over, the board of directors and CEO and all of its staff fired, and all of its remaining assets distributed among the shareholders and creditors.

Let's not forget software engineers and database programmers. There are way too many "bugs" in software, and the manuals aren̢۪t readable. So, we need the No Bug Allowed To Survive Act. As you probably guessed, if after a decade, there are any poorly documented or buggy pieces of software produced by any corporation or individual programmer, then the entire corporation will be dissolved, all of its programming functions will be replaced by 10-year-old American idiot savants and low-paid programmers in India and China, and all of Bill Gates' money will be distributed to the poor and helpless.

Have I left any categories out? If so, please feel free to add some more!

— Guy Brandenburg
Brandenburg's Blog


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