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New Ring Around Uranus Linked to Missing Tests

Susan Notes: Sometimes these things happen.

Under the Beltway, D.C., October 20, 2003.

The National Science Foundation has confirmed that the newly-discovered ring around Uranus is made up of high-stakes tests reported missing from 43 states. These tests had been sent to the U. S. Department of Education as part of NCLB verification. NSF declined to comment on the persistent rumor that a pair of western style red boots is also in the ring.

The FBI has declined an interview, but an unidentified source confirmed that agents have interviewed over 687 high-level officials in the U. S. Department of Education, 219 West Wing Aides, 83 members of the Business Roundtable, 43 governors, and Rod Paige's next-door neighbor.

Commenting under the cloak of anonymity, one staffer at the Department of Education cautioned, "Don't rule out an El Quida connection."

In an effort to show Standaristo solidarity, security agencies all over the world are quietly running NCLB code through their data banks and computer hard drives as the test scandal continues to gather steam. Agents asked interviewees not to disclose the nature of the interviews, so as not to disclose the government's strategy.

Both Secretary Paige and Condoleezza Rice declined to comment on the probe.

Chester Finn, President of the Thomas B. Fordham Foundation, said, "This is what happens when the nation's teachers lack the basic skills to address an envelope properly."

— Susan Ohanian


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